Chapter 13 - Respect Your Inner Person

Respect your personal limitations, listen to your body, your energy level. 

Another thing I’ve learned is, be “your” self. Not “someone else's” self. 

My first attempt at climbing out of this space was the strategy of busy-ness. Distraction. I was on the other side of all this pain, right? I can just move on now. So just keep swimming. Keep doing. The rest will come. It seems to work for others, so it should work for me, right?

I also erringly thought busy-ness would somehow enact a reward. Fix me. Fix life. 

So I gave every bit of myself spiritually, desperately trying to put it above all else, even while being physically sick through most of it. I felt like if I did, good had to finally come. Alas, during that time, My sister in law died a very sudden death, the "sale" of Dad’s property was disappointing, spiritual children and friends had left us, and I watched my Uncle die from cancer. 

Effort seemed to produce disappointment instead of blessings. And I was tired. Tired of trying. I wore myself out going at this pace. My joy was gone. I never had time to be creative. My once open loving spirit, became closed and emotionally autonomous in order to survive. Life was a chore. I had just enough time to keep up. No extras, no getting ahead, or getting things accomplished. All I ever wanted to do since I was a little girl, was be a housewife and take care of my family. I didn't "take care", I just got by. Got fed. Got done what was minimally required.  I thought that with my Dads death I could eventually stop working, and aux pioneer. But I haven't. And now the desire to pioneer has left me, its died. Along with my eternal optimist. I just didn’t care anymore, I just wanted to be alone. Not be obligated to anyone or anything. I lost the person I wanted to be. And even the person I was. There is mourning in that loss.  And it showed. So many people came up to me during that time and sincerely asked how I was. They knew. My good friend told me my eyes aren't sparkly like they usually are. I guess realizing I lost my inner being does that. Whatever light was in me before had now dimmed. The battery worn low.  

But I'll be fine. "I’m fine." I say.

I buried these thoughts so deeply most of my closest friends and loved ones didn't know they existed. (till now)

After all this struggling and just surviving for so long, I had changed my focus and forgot about nurturing me. I needed to slow down. Refocus. The writing I did while in the middle of my health issues helped soooo much, but I abandoned it in the years following, focusing only on my spiritual life and not ever on myself. Thinking that would somehow Fulfill All and result in some kind of reward. But I needed to find reward not just in a future promise, but also in the gift of everyday, of being human, of the earthly gifts God gave us. 

It was like an epiphany. I realized, I don’t need to mentally prepare to leave this earth! I am an earth creature. I LOVE this earth and all it has to offer. I need to feed that. It’s ok to live in the moment, enjoy now. Not tomorrow, not later, or in Paradise.  To slow down for goodness sake!  Why was I eating fast, cleaning fast, cooking fast, walking fast. Stop rushing!! Its ok to avail myself of earthly pleasures as long as it doesn't interfere with spiritual things. In fact, it can complement my spirituality, not erode it. This realization was a turning point for me. 

Some people need to keep busy, to be distracted, because being alone with their thoughts is scary. I tried that, keeping busy and distracted. But I didn't realize the damage I was doing to my inner person, burying her, not giving her time to live. I like my inner person. I like being alone with her, just thinking. I am an introvert. And I like being an introvert. I like who I am. Being introverted isn’t a negative thing. I recharge by being alone with my thoughts, to reset. I had not done that in for so long. I’m not a surface dweller. I need to dive deep, deep into myself and express what’s been buried. 

I wrote this during a camping trip, one of the things we do every year to make time to just “be”. 

To Just “Be” 

I am an only child. And thankfully, I am also comfortable in solitude. I never appreciated this quality till much later in life. Although I was comfortable in my solitude, I also felt that I had much to give others. My desire to "fulfill" made me want to devote my life to family, being a housewife. A pipe dream that was never realized. And now, after being fractured into so many different roles, for so very long, I have come to appreciate the ability to be in solitude. To just "be".  And yet it's so elusive. That's why camping is such a treasure, a yearly need. I find moments of myself, to be, and simply exist. Without obligation, the choice to read, write, draw, pet my fluffy, or my Molly, to stare out at the forest, to think, let things roll around in my mind and wander untethered.  Or just take a long nap without guilt or disturbance. The choice is mine. To breathe free of obligation, that is what it means to "be".  To,   Just,  Be…..

Writing releases and organizes my subconscious. I desperately needed that right now. I needed to make the time to do it. But to dig myself out of this darkness I needed to do something structured. Life wasn’t going to change, so the only thing I could change was my outlook.  I needed to get Back to Basics. A plan of how to get back to myself. Reboot this thing back into life.

And so I made a list:

The Basics

- Text

- Prayer

- Meditate

- Bible Reading

- Apply small things to improve your personality, day to day. 

- Relationships 

- Boys

- Manageable routine of service.

- Remember, You can sacrifice too much. 

- Meals

- Take care of family

- Take care of friends

- Be creative, make art, write.

-Do something that you feel accomplishes something.     A house improvement.

- Reminisce, write about Dad. Upload pics.

- Reconnect with friends

- Write them, connect, even if its just a short hello.

And,

Gratitude. 

Again.

Chapter 13 B - Pause and Reset

( I realized later this chapter is 

a bit looooong, 

so if you need to pause, 

this is a good place to do it ;)

Guidepost #3 wasn’t a single thing, but a series of little guideposts, nudging me along the way, tucked away in the back of my mind. I kept reading everywhere about the power of Gratitude. On the internet, in a daily text, in the publications. 3 things. 3 things kept coming back. Just think of 3 things.  

I guess it’s worth a try. I was floundering. So I started using an app that would remind me to write those 3 things down. Just simple things. They don’t have to be big. A flower, the warmth of the sun, a random smile from a stranger. Just 3 things that made me happy for just a moment. Doing this REALLY helped turn my thinking around. Helped me find joy again. I encourage everyone to do it! 

My animals were featured often in my 3 things. I finally had a cat in my life again, and he brought so much simple joy to be grateful for. The softness of his fur. His youthful curiosity. His joy at discovering new things, how fun it is to make a bed with the sheets flying and folding above. The feel of the brisk wind coming in the door. It was all so exciting for him. Seeing life through his big yellow eyes was a delight. 

Then there were other little steps I took along the way. Little steps to make more joy. I made it my aim to find time to be creative in any form. I looked through all my old art. Appreciated it. Reflected. I dragged out a cross stitch I bought 20 years ago. The most complex one I ever bought. I started having breakfast and lunch on the deck, making time to enjoy a simple task like eating. Just musing about those things, consciously slowing down, allowing myself time to think. It was so refreshing. To "Pause and Reset".

This was the name of a talk by a grandfatherly brother. Accompanied by thought provoking images of creation, he lovingly reminds us that its ok to slow down and enjoy life. It embodies the thoughts and feelings I was trying to enact. It was so profound and affected me so deeply, I want to share some of those thoughts with you here:

Happiness can be tricky. We all know people who by all standards should be happy, but they’re not. On the other hand, we know people who face many, many difficult challenges every day, but they seem to radiate happiness. Happiness is not dependent on things, on circumstances, or even on people. Because true happiness is not an end goal; it is a byproduct. Being joyful is an act of worship. Imperfect humans can lose their appreciation for things that become a routine part of life, even if these things are a reflection of God’s loving concern. Each festival the Israelites celebrated was a time when they stopped what they were doing, they would pause, and reflect on the blessings that they had received. What effect did this pause and reset have? One word — Gratitude. You know what happens when we feel gratitude? Happiness always follows. Gratitude reminds us that our Creator loves us and that he cares about us. It reminds us that God’s goodness exists even in the worst that life has to offer. Gratitude nullifies negativity. Gratitude is more than just a feeling, it’s a mind-set, it’s a disposition, and it’s a choice. We can make a conscious decision to see blessings instead of curses. Our Creator has bejeweled our world with daily reminders of his goodness, his power, but most of all, his love for us. All we have to do is take the time to look…..

Contemplate the abundance and the diversity of life.

Drink in the awesomeness of the universe on a starry night.

No two sunrises and no two sunsets are ever exactly alike.

Look up to the clouds.

What you see is ever changing.

There was nothing exactly like it before, nor will there ever be again.

The feeling you will experience is a refreshment of the soul; it’s a reset.

Eyes see only light, and ears hear only sound; but a grateful heart perceives meaning.

We perceive that God created all these things as a gift for us.

That’s right; each day was to be a very special gift, unique unto itself.

To make endless life not just special but amazing, wondrous, and always a joy.

Connecting with God’s creation helps to discharge anxiety. It shifts our attention to something safe, something enduring, something outside ourselves. Gratitude is the ability to experience life, not as a test, but as a gift. It helps us to accept life’s uncertainties by reassuring us that we are a part of something larger, something everlasting, something immensely important. We are a part of God’s purpose. Let gratefulness flow from the inside out to others. It will liberate you from the prison of self-preoccupation. 

We are never more than one grateful thought away from increased peace of mind and greater peace of heart. Just remember, to pause and reflect.

It’s such a beautiful video!! I rewatch it here and there, to refresh my mind and heart. To remind me to be Grateful. Each time, it touches me. 

(If you’d like to watch the video and refresh your heart too, please message me at missionmelanoma@gmail.com and I’ll send you the link.)

It’s now been 8 years…. Since I began cautiously living…… 14 years , since cancer first reared its ugly head, and my Dad died.  Both changed my life forever.  But after forcing myself to slow down, to take the time to find gratitude and joy in the small things in life, I finally feel like “me” again. I found her! I remember her. She’s still there. And I am grateful. 

Is everything great? Is everything the way I want it? Am I bursting with energy and joy? Happy? No. I'm still tired. I'm still struggling. But I’m here! I’m home. I know myself again. There was a certain numbness before. I kept a wall up around my heart, out of fear that all of the emotions would spill out in one big mess. Now the wall is gone. How do I know? Because for the longest time, I couldn’t allow sentiment in. I couldn’t cry watching a movie, or hearing an experience, singing a song. I had to remain numb. But now? I actually mist up watching movies again! A song can make me cry big rolling tears. I wasn’t able to allow myself the luxury to do that before. Finally, that barrier is gone. And all the energy I once used to push down my feelings, can now be used to explore old loves. Books, Bible study, Writing, Art, Friendships. I’ve gained back some perspective. I’m not lost anymore. I can see myself more clearly in the bigger picture. I can see good again despite the imperfections. I see the stirring of warmth in the sunrise on the horizon. The faint glow of optimism. I just hope this break lasts long enough for me to write it all down, before the next curve ball. 

Chapter 11 - Who Was I Before All This Began?

I think I am fine…… 

Until I take a deep breath in, and it rattles its way out, like I've just been crying in earnest. Obviously my subconscious doesn't agree. Deep within, I am sobbing. Outwardly, I carry on as usual. I don't dare glance in its direction. I really don't have time for this now. Maybe next month. Maybe the one after that? Maybe.....just maybe, I will allow myself the luxury of feeling. So many years of sucking it up and carrying on. I'm not sure I quite know how anymore. I hope I haven't murdered my inner being with neglect and dismissal.

I wrote this in July 2020. Five years after the chapter, “Cautiously Living”.

The road between pain and healing has been longer than expected, a real coaster of deep lows mixed with highs of progress. Some of the bumps were created by my own imbalance, trying to find my footing again after the pain. Not remembering who I was before all this began.  Some were created by the caveats of life. “Time and unforeseen occurrences that befall us all.” But just as I needed to be an active participant in my melanoma journey, I needed to start being an active conscious participant in my journey back to myself.

Who was I before all this began?? Before Dad died. Before cancer? I needed to remember. To see what I would have done differently.  So I know where I should be going, where I left off in this path. 

There were times when every day felt tiring, with no joy or reward, it was hard to see the good. The eternal optimist I once was, was dead inside. Beat relentlessly into submission by life, tragedy and disappointments. In all the trauma, I lost track of myself. Sadly, just surviving means I stopped doing joyful things, the little extras and nuances that make me, "Me". I now had the task of figuring out where I hid my inner being, deep inside, for self preservation. I just hoped I hadn't buried it so long that it got lost altogether. You know how you do that? Put something important in a "safe" place and then not know where that “safe place” is?!? I did that with my inner being. I needed to resurrect my optimism. But how does one do that? ?

One, step, at, a, time.

I will try to outline the steps I took to get this far. Maybe you will see some Guideposts for yourself along the way. 

So let’s rewind a bit....to when I saw my first guidepost.

I had finally buried my Dad. It took 5 years to feel emotionally “ok” with selling his property and saying goodbye. I fought long and hard to try and make it work, but it was too much. Too far. When he was alive, my Dad and his property were linked almost inextricably. It was so much a part of him. Letting go of it, was too much to bear.  But enough time had finally passed that it didn’t resemble him the way it had. It was finally ok to let go. 

But selling wasn’t “simple” by any means. It had been a service station since the 30’s. I began the arduous process of getting an expensive environmental assessment, along with a large line of credit to fund it. I talked for hours on the phone, over many months with the ever so helpful enviro guy. Weighing the pros and cons of each decision. Not to mention the weeks spent getting the house ready to sell. It was a task to be reckoned with, but we got it done. The property was now up for sale, searching for that special buyer who would see it’s potential despite the environmental hickups. 

With the decision to sell made, and the wheels in motion, we also decided to sell our house. As "Cautiously Living" outlined, I needed change. There were beautiful memories in this house, of our boys growing up, friends and family who helped us renovate, but now, there was also much heartache. I needed a new pole marker in life. Instead of “5 years after Dad died”, I wanted to be able to say, “2 years after we moved.”  So we started getting our house ready to sell.  I had been feeling motivated and  energetic for change, almost happy again. Finally things felt like they were coming together. All my sacrifice, heartache and years of work were coming together.  I felt a new day dawning!!  Hooray!!  But…….. then, ……..it all kinda fell apart…. 

We found the perfect house to buy. A gorgeous old heritage house with a reasonable piece of land, a shady garden, and tons of character. It was my dream home. I commented once, that “I could die here and feel content.” It needed some “polishing” for sure, but the recent inspection the owner gave was great!

Thing is, she only gave us the parts that were good. Asbestos, knob and tube wiring wrapped around old metal plumbing, ducting that wasn’t even attached in most places, an oil furnace that smelled like it leaked, a beam that wasn’t attached above the living room. It was truly heartbreaking. We had to walk away. I loved that house already. In my dreams, I had already hosted family dinners with my grandchildren there. I still love that house.

One thing I have learned about myself over the years, if I don’t see a direction forward, or have a way to feel like I’m making progress somewhere, that’s when I start to lose it. I feel like a caged animal. Trapped. I was emotionally ready to leave, my bags packed and at the door, but my trip was cancelled. …….The house was ready to sell so there was nothing left to do there. Up Island was ready to sell, nothing to do there. Now what, Hurry up and wait?

This is some of My Journal from that time…..

Depressed 1

“ For the past 3 months I really felt positive, like I was being pushed to deal with this, move forward, get somewhere, have relief in a new place. New beginnings. Everything was coming together so well, so quickly…….  Maybe I was finally getting blessed instead of just surviving? I thought maybe, providence had sped things up, so we can move on to the next phase, so we could finally do more spiritually.  But now, I just feel stale, like I’m stuck in mud, slow motion.  After years of trial, were my feelings of being finally blessed a hoax? A cruel joke?..... “

“Expectation postponed makes the heart sick.”

Enter Guidepost #1. 

In Dec, we got to see a favourite band play live. They always cheer me up!  They’re so dynamic. But it wasn’t one of their upbeat songs that touched and lifted me, it was a simple, emotional acoustic song.  I know the history of this song, why he wrote it, where he wrote it and how he was feeling when he did. He was feeling how I felt now. Stuck in life, disappointed. At the time, a friend of his told him to go down to a certain part of Toronto where people were “down on their luck.” To watch them and think. So he did. And he wrote that song while he was there. You could see how much meaning it still held for him as he performed. He was fully immersed. Emotionally tuned in & very much inside his own head.. 

While listening, it clicked inside me. 

I know losing the dream house was more than just the loss of that house. Not the real reason I was feeling so low.  It was the culmination of so many losses. Just when I thought I was finally getting out.

This song put things into perspective for me. 

I shouldn’t be feeling regretful, I should be grateful instead. 

I could crawl up our willow tree or wallow and dread, ( the choice was mine )

I could be everything, or nothing at all, 

but I needed to keep it together, long enough to trust, 

long enough to feel love. 

Should the sky fall? well then I'll build a scaffold. 

I’m gonna build a new wheel, instead of fixing a slow leak. 

And when I put it all together, I'm strong enough to trust.   

Theres nothing to be scared of. 

We will rebuild, its just going to take a bit more time. In the meantime,  I needed to be grateful for what we had. That I was “healthy” now. That the bulk of the work at Dad’s had been done. I was still far closer to the end than I was before. I needed to acknowledge and be thankful for that. There were 3 more journals labelled “Depressed” after this, so this definitely wasn’t the final leg home, but it was the First Guidepost, My Guideposts to Gratitude, which is what ultimately led me back to myself and the way out. 

Chapter 9 - Cancer Free Depression

Of all the chapters this one has been the hardest to write. The others just came and flowed naturally, where this one came like a small boat in choppy waters. A little disjointed and nauseating.

I think the problem lies in the completion. The others were written after the fact, looking back on memories. Where this one is a current event. I guess it’s easier to write in hindsight. The present is often so unclear. Unresolved.

Right now I find myself ebbing and flowing, in and out of the depression that comes from being "cancer free" or what the melanoma world refers to as "NED". No evidence of disease.  I have come in and out of NED the way I have come in and out of this cloud. The emotional forecast: slightly overcast with sunny breaks and intermittent black clouds.

Up until now, I have written mostly of what brings me up, keeps me going, but I’ve had my dark days hiding in my room. There are days when my anxiety made me impatient and abrupt. But dwelling on the low points isn’t what gets your through. So I have chosen not to explore them very deeply so far.  I wanted to give hope by my words.  But the time has come to share some of the bleaker feelings too. It is part of life. Part of my life. Part of what I am experiencing right now. Part of loss. Loss of health, loss of loved ones, loss of "normal". (Whatever "normal" is anyway. )

I know “Cancer Free Depression” sounds like an oxymoron, a contradictory statement, but to my utter surprise, it was the reality I found myself in just a few short weeks after hearing the wonderful news that my lymph nodes were cancer free. “Depressed?! What in blazes! But I’m cancer free! NED!  How could I be depressed?!”  I think some of it stems from life being put on hold.  The problems you had before cancer seemed not so big anymore.  When the cancer is supposedly gone, you imagine life will be so much better now, like a fairy tale!  But all those things you put on the backburner, suddenly come back to haunt you. All the paper work you put off, the projects around the house, are still there.  Life is still there. Sigh.

So what do you do when you find yourself depressed and cancer free. You look online of course.  To my delight and dismay, this was apparently normal.  Stating the obvious, one article reminded me, “You HAD CANCER”, not the flu.  "The physical and mental shock of having a life-threatening disease, of receiving treatment for cancer, and living with repeated threats to one's body and life are traumatic experiences." The fallout from that is huge. The good ole “Mayo Clinic” had this to say, “Recovering from cancer treatment isn't just about your body — it's also about healing your mind. So take time to acknowledge the fear, grief and loneliness you're feeling right now. Then take steps to understand why you feel these emotions and what you can do about them.”  Even though the cancer hasn’t killed you, cancer still kills a small part of you, the part of you that feels safe. The invincible spirit we all carry somewhere inside us, it’s gone.  There is grief in that loss. And with grief comes depression.

After my first melanoma, I still had no idea how serious it could be. The optimism surrounding skin cancer almost makes you feel foolish for being worried at all.  Thankfully, many can get melanoma and just walk away. They blissfully allow themselves to share the outlook the majority of the world has,  "Just cut it out” and all is well.  I am happy for those that are spared the trauma of knowing how close they came to having life hang in the balance. Once upon a time, in Round 1, I was one of them.  It was traumatic, but not earthshattering, it was a blip on the radar that went away. Certainly, it was a larger blip than average, but still….. just a blip.  I thought I knew melanoma and I truly thought that would be the end of it.  “Chapter done, move on”.  Melanoma was supposed to be just one chapter in the book of life, not a book in itself.  I am still hoping this will be a short story, and not a novel. 

Any kind of cancer makes you feel unsafe for a certain length of time, until you’re considered “cancer free”. Till then you are on the watch, hyper aware of your body, each pain, or lump. Is it back?  With melanoma, that time period is horrendously long. For most cancers it’s a 5 year benchmark. But with stage 2A melanoma, my odds actually go down after 5 years.  For me, that means 80% survival in 5 years, and 60% btwn 5-10 years. That seems so backwards. Shouldn’t it go the other way?  Even 10-25 years later there is still a 7-11% chance it will metastasize! I won’t be considered “cancer free” till 25 years or more of being NED then??? That is, IF I don’t get any more primaries in the meantime. NED,no evidence of disease, doesn't mean cured, it just means, not in active battle. It’s a life sentence, no early parole.  That’s far too long to live with a shadow hanging on the sidelines. Do you “have” cancer, or is it past tense, “had” cancer? NED is neither really, its somewhere in limbo land.

Once you get this deep, literally 2.45mm, melanoma never truly goes away from your life. It is an ongoing concern somewhere in the back of your mind.  Most people don't casually check their lymph nodes on occasion, just to see if there is any latent pain hiding there, or an unidentified lumpiness. But I do.  Most people don't see a Doctor every 3 months to check for cancer. I do. Most people don’t have skin removed on a semi regular basis. But I do. If the medical community thinks every 3 months is necessary that kinda makes you a little more wary yourself. Others have described how before every check up, they worry whether a new one will be found. Then if none are found, they worry it might have gotten missed. And if one is taken off, then you wait to see if it’s bad news. Sure you say you will put it in the back of your mind, pretend it isn't there, but your anxiety level speaks differently, and your patience level tells a different tale.  Your sleep is a little less easy. Your mind a little scattered. But you put on the happy face and pretend it’s all ok. This game will go on at least once a year for the rest of your life.

But why should you worry so much? Melanoma is one of the “good” cancers right? That’s what your Doctor will tell you if you catch it early. I will let the facts speak.

A 10mm cancer of other sorts, is stage 1, the very treatable kind.  On the other hand a 10mm melanoma is tantamount to a death sentence.   A 1 millimeter melanoma tumor (one-tenth the size) already carries a significant risk of having spread.  In fact, I was surprised to find out that the survival rates for stage 2 melanoma are the same or worse than for stage 3 breast cancer. The overall 5-year survival rate for patients when detected early, is about 98%. It falls to 62% when it reaches the lymph nodes, and 15% when it metastasizes to distant organs. And it can grow and spread very quickly compared to other cancers. Once spread internally, melanoma is very difficult to treat, since it doesn’t respond to conventional cancer treatments. For stage 4 melanoma patients, that’s the last stage, the American Cancer Society recommends this: “Because stage 4 melanoma is very hard to treat with current therapies, patients may want to think about taking part in a clinical trial.”  Experimental treatment is your best option? Yikes! That is daunting.  There is no “usual” treatment plan per say. So even though it is easily preventable and easily treated at its earliest stage, it is not one to mess with. You don’t want this cancer to get a foot hold. You want to catch melanoma at stage 1! Even then, you can go from Stage 1 NED to being voted most likely to die, within those 3 months between your scheduled Doctor checkups.  If you were faced with this as a possibility, would you be worried? Would you want to be informed of new treatments when they came available?

(Thankfully since this post advances have been made in Melanoma treatment providing more hope for later stages. Now there are treatment plans other than "drug trials". Immunotherapy and other drugs. Hooray for researchers!! There is still work to do but at least there is an action plan. :D)

After round 1, the depression and the shame came and went within 6 months. Then I began to live again, feel “normalish”.  I still felt a sense of safety, and control. I thought as long as I kept up my skin checks, all would be well. I would just catch them all early. But after round 2, safety was blown out of the water. I was realizing how serious this was, the stats were no longer so sunny, and control was become slippery. But Six months seems to be my personal yardstick for the depression period, and I felt myself getting past it, feeling a teeny bit safe again.  I was ready to tackle the next coming years, thinking of moving forward. But melanoma had a different plan.  I had barely gotten the chance to catch my breath when round 3 began!

Have I told you about Round 3???????

Feb, 2013, at my regular checkup. Dr. Derm is doing his usual looksee, in the cute gown and conscientiously warm room. Totally routine. “Are you wearing sunscreen? Taking Vit D?  How much are you taking?”  He moves aside the gown from my “gluteus” area and pauses.  Then squats.  Then gets out his measuring tool.   Then his special light and magnifier.  He has been looking at my buttocks for an uncomfortably long time. Then he says, “I’m just going to put a bit of water on this one, sometimes it helps me see it better” More magnifying, more pausing. “Can you lay on the examining table for a moment?”  Then ……..“I’d like you to make an appointment to have that one removed, it has grown significantly in the last 3 months”.  Awe man…….

When I felt it later, the offensive mole, it had texture, just like my first one.  People tried to console me by saying it was probably nothing, but I was sure, 99% sure, this was another melanoma.  When I looked at it in the mirror, it looked like a piece of dried raisin stuck to my butt.  Dried raisin attached to your skin isn’t good. 

I was so disheartened when it came back as my third melanoma. This CAN’T be good. I could see the statistics sinking in a downward spiral. The numbers have been stacked the wrong way round. I was winning every small number lottery. Only 10% of melanomas are hereditary.  This one certainly was not caused by the sun! Only 6% of melanoma patients get a second primary. Won that one! Twice!  I don’t want to win the small number lottery with this disease. I’m not a gambler! How did the numbers get stacked this way round? I felt, and still feel, like a walking time bomb. Problem is, I don’t know how long the fuse is, and there’s no way to check. With control pretty much out of my hands, I could feel depression laying down on me like a heavy blanket.

As I felt myself sinking into darkness, I did what I have always done, I turned to the “pen” for healing.  Words are my friends. I love words. How they have such deep meaning, nuances and shades. The further I delve into their rich history, the more I appreciate them when used properly.  Words would become my friends and comfort. And sharing them with you has made those words have life and meaning.  It gives meaning to the meaninglessness of this experience. Of cancer. So I started to write.  It was the only way I could put a sense of control to the uncontrollable. And it was a savior. 

I turned to talking to you. I shared my words and thoughts on my blog.  Now I needed to know the beast I faced, inside and out, and I shared the information I found on my facebook page.  I did this for myself, and for you, in hopes that I could provide understanding, and give the gift of knowledge.  Maybe my understanding and knowledge could give you the power to determine a little piece of your own life. Maybe I could help you cope by seeing what has helped me. 

In my research, I found out that half of all cancers are preventable.  I also found out that of all cancers, skin cancer is the most preventable. Sadly, I also found out how misunderstood and underestimated skin cancer was too. I wanted, ….no, I needed, to talk to someone.  As the opening of my blog says: 

“In Round 3 of my battles with Melanoma, I have decided to no longer sit on my hands. It’s just too much. I needed to let it out of my "skin". Be an active participant in this cancer thing, instead of just hoping it will stand at the doorway and leave me alone. And so I will write……….”

Published Feb 17 2014