I think I am fine……
Until I take a deep breath in, and it rattles its way out, like I've just been crying in earnest. Obviously my subconscious doesn't agree. Deep within, I am sobbing. Outwardly, I carry on as usual. I don't dare glance in its direction. I really don't have time for this now. Maybe next month. Maybe the one after that? Maybe.....just maybe, I will allow myself the luxury of feeling. So many years of sucking it up and carrying on. I'm not sure I quite know how anymore. I hope I haven't murdered my inner being with neglect and dismissal.
I wrote this in July 2020. Five years after the chapter, “Cautiously Living”.
The road between pain and healing has been longer than expected, a real coaster of deep lows mixed with highs of progress. Some of the bumps were created by my own imbalance, trying to find my footing again after the pain. Not remembering who I was before all this began. Some were created by the caveats of life. “Time and unforeseen occurrences that befall us all.” But just as I needed to be an active participant in my melanoma journey, I needed to start being an active conscious participant in my journey back to myself.
Who was I before all this began?? Before Dad died. Before cancer? I needed to remember. To see what I would have done differently. So I know where I should be going, where I left off in this path.
There were times when every day felt tiring, with no joy or reward, it was hard to see the good. The eternal optimist I once was, was dead inside. Beat relentlessly into submission by life, tragedy and disappointments. In all the trauma, I lost track of myself. Sadly, just surviving means I stopped doing joyful things, the little extras and nuances that make me, "Me". I now had the task of figuring out where I hid my inner being, deep inside, for self preservation. I just hoped I hadn't buried it so long that it got lost altogether. You know how you do that? Put something important in a "safe" place and then not know where that “safe place” is?!? I did that with my inner being. I needed to resurrect my optimism. But how does one do that? ?
One, step, at, a, time.
I will try to outline the steps I took to get this far. Maybe you will see some Guideposts for yourself along the way.
So let’s rewind a bit....to when I saw my first guidepost.
I had finally buried my Dad. It took 5 years to feel emotionally “ok” with selling his property and saying goodbye. I fought long and hard to try and make it work, but it was too much. Too far. When he was alive, my Dad and his property were linked almost inextricably. It was so much a part of him. Letting go of it, was too much to bear. But enough time had finally passed that it didn’t resemble him the way it had. It was finally ok to let go.
But selling wasn’t “simple” by any means. It had been a service station since the 30’s. I began the arduous process of getting an expensive environmental assessment, along with a large line of credit to fund it. I talked for hours on the phone, over many months with the ever so helpful enviro guy. Weighing the pros and cons of each decision. Not to mention the weeks spent getting the house ready to sell. It was a task to be reckoned with, but we got it done. The property was now up for sale, searching for that special buyer who would see it’s potential despite the environmental hickups.
With the decision to sell made, and the wheels in motion, we also decided to sell our house. As "Cautiously Living" outlined, I needed change. There were beautiful memories in this house, of our boys growing up, friends and family who helped us renovate, but now, there was also much heartache. I needed a new pole marker in life. Instead of “5 years after Dad died”, I wanted to be able to say, “2 years after we moved.” So we started getting our house ready to sell. I had been feeling motivated and energetic for change, almost happy again. Finally things felt like they were coming together. All my sacrifice, heartache and years of work were coming together. I felt a new day dawning!! Hooray!! But…….. then, ……..it all kinda fell apart….
We found the perfect house to buy. A gorgeous old heritage house with a reasonable piece of land, a shady garden, and tons of character. It was my dream home. I commented once, that “I could die here and feel content.” It needed some “polishing” for sure, but the recent inspection the owner gave was great!
Thing is, she only gave us the parts that were good. Asbestos, knob and tube wiring wrapped around old metal plumbing, ducting that wasn’t even attached in most places, an oil furnace that smelled like it leaked, a beam that wasn’t attached above the living room. It was truly heartbreaking. We had to walk away. I loved that house already. In my dreams, I had already hosted family dinners with my grandchildren there. I still love that house.
One thing I have learned about myself over the years, if I don’t see a direction forward, or have a way to feel like I’m making progress somewhere, that’s when I start to lose it. I feel like a caged animal. Trapped. I was emotionally ready to leave, my bags packed and at the door, but my trip was cancelled. …….The house was ready to sell so there was nothing left to do there. Up Island was ready to sell, nothing to do there. Now what, Hurry up and wait?
This is some of My Journal from that time…..
Depressed 1
“ For the past 3 months I really felt positive, like I was being pushed to deal with this, move forward, get somewhere, have relief in a new place. New beginnings. Everything was coming together so well, so quickly……. Maybe I was finally getting blessed instead of just surviving? I thought maybe, providence had sped things up, so we can move on to the next phase, so we could finally do more spiritually. But now, I just feel stale, like I’m stuck in mud, slow motion. After years of trial, were my feelings of being finally blessed a hoax? A cruel joke?..... “
“Expectation postponed makes the heart sick.”
In Dec, we got to see a favourite band play live. They always cheer me up! They’re so dynamic. But it wasn’t one of their upbeat songs that touched and lifted me, it was a simple, emotional acoustic song. I know the history of this song, why he wrote it, where he wrote it and how he was feeling when he did. He was feeling how I felt now. Stuck in life, disappointed. At the time, a friend of his told him to go down to a certain part of Toronto where people were “down on their luck.” To watch them and think. So he did. And he wrote that song while he was there. You could see how much meaning it still held for him as he performed. He was fully immersed. Emotionally tuned in & very much inside his own head..
While listening, it clicked inside me.
I know losing the dream house was more than just the loss of that house. Not the real reason I was feeling so low. It was the culmination of so many losses. Just when I thought I was finally getting out.
This song put things into perspective for me.
I shouldn’t be feeling regretful, I should be grateful instead.
I could crawl up our willow tree or wallow and dread, ( the choice was mine )
I could be everything, or nothing at all,
but I needed to keep it together, long enough to trust,
long enough to feel love.
Should the sky fall? well then I'll build a scaffold.
I’m gonna build a new wheel, instead of fixing a slow leak.
And when I put it all together, I'm strong enough to trust.
Theres nothing to be scared of.
We will rebuild, its just going to take a bit more time. In the meantime, I needed to be grateful for what we had. That I was “healthy” now. That the bulk of the work at Dad’s had been done. I was still far closer to the end than I was before. I needed to acknowledge and be thankful for that. There were 3 more journals labelled “Depressed” after this, so this definitely wasn’t the final leg home, but it was the First Guidepost, My Guideposts to Gratitude, which is what ultimately led me back to myself and the way out.
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